Wednesday, June 19, 2013

All I Need to Know about England I Learned from Midsomer Murders, Part Two

To continue an earlier post, here are more things I've "learned" about England through the BBC series Midsomer Murders.

1. The English will never move away from the place they call home, even if it's a crime-ridden hellhole.
Some of these towns seems like they have a population of only a few hundred people - if that.  When 5% of a town gets murdered every other month, I would probably move away to save my life.  Despite the sky-high murder rate, no one seems too concerned.
People don't even alter their habits when someone turns up dead.  "Oh, my neighbor and his wife were murdered?  We were involved in some sordid event last year?  I should probably walk around in this dark forest by myself at night."
Yep, looks perfectly safe to me.

2. There is no sensation-hungry, national news corps in England

When then-candidate Obama ordered a dijon mustard on his sandwich, the American conservative media crapped their collective pants.  "He's an elitist!  His condiments prove it!"  When Romney stumbled over his tongue and made his infamous "Binders of woman" quote, the liberal media acted as though he had confessed to operating a sex ring.  "He's out of touch with mainstream America!  He objectifies women!"

But when dozens of people are murdered in one otherwise bucolic, middle-class county?  Not a peep from the English media.  Barnaby doesn't have to fend off a swarm of photographers trying to get pictures of a brutalized body.  Ever.  Even when they are in the middle of a picturesque field.  Or a lovely public forest.  Or in someone's perfectly manicured backyard.

Does England just not care? 

3.  99.9% of England is white.
I think I saw an Indian woman in the background during the Midsomer Book Festival episode.  Other than that, England is just full of white men and women who desperately want to murder the crap out of one another.

She's hidden in this shot, but I think the Indian woman is behind the aging hippie.

4. No matter how dissolute or incompetent someone is, they always have a beautiful garden.
It's somewhat amazing to me how, even when planning to murder one (or two or three or more) people,  English murderers and would-be murderers always have a lovely front door, usually framed by roses or some other picturesque climbing plant.
Probably the home of a murderer.

5. England doesn't protect against unlawful search or seizure.

Barnaby and Troy did this all the time in the first few series.  Home owner-suspect not home?  Just let yourself right in.  At one point they almost got electrocuted because they were in a place they weren't supposed to be.  Did they get fired?  No.
Of course, there is no media in England, so who can the victim go to in order to rouse the public?

Don't mind us.  We're just going to break into your house.

6. If you put an English murderer in a dark room, they will confess to everything, in great detail.

You just have to arrest them for murder and then stare at them.  They'll tell everything.  To think:  American cops have been doing it wrong all these years.
An English murderers greatest fear.

Check out the series.

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